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dead branches. [
Posted on November 06, 2006 @ 10:44 pm
Carol died today.
My grandmother died today.
She would have been 70 next month. 

I was going to write her a letter, or call her.  But her lungs were so bad that she couldn't talk.
just yesterday, my mom told me that the hospice people told kevin she had only a few weeks at best.
so mom and chris and mark went today to see her.  she was kinda sleepy from the morphine..  so chris fell asleep by her and held her hand.  They decided to leave because she was asleep, and mark had to be back to work.
two minutes later, they got a call from mika saying she had died, and asking if they would come back..

funny story to throw in?  Jake, carols grandson..  probably in his very early teens..  well..  when my mom and my bros got to the place, they noticed a fire truck and sherrifs and all this shit.  Turns out a guy hit the power line pole, cut off the power for everyone, and then drove off like a douche.  So my grandma was on oxygen, which cuts off.  So christine put her on the manual, and she was fine..  but jake was so pissed that someone would hit the pole, jeaprodize his grandma's life, and then drive off..  that he got in his moms car..  drove down the street, cut the guy off, and forced this guy to drive backwards in a mustang the entire way back to the house!  He screamed at him that he was not going anywhere until the sherrif got there. lol.  i barely know jake.. but that made me smile...

i'm pretty upset, holding it in as best i can.
i didn't get to talk to her before she went.  i know she was proud of me.  I know she thought this was the best thing in the world for me.  And i know she loved me and kendall, and wished us the very best.  So that helps.  And i always was her favorite of the todd boys..  maybe because i latched on so strongly..  having such a horrible experience with my real grandmother dying when i was 6. 
Carol was more of a grandmother to me than my real one was.  Not for lack of her trying, but lack of her living.  And i hope carol knew how important she was to me.  And how much i loved her.
The first thing she ever did when we first met..  before her and grandpa were even together..  was give me a milky way bar, just because she thought i was nice! 
god i miss her so much..

the only grandparents i have left are my grandma and grandpa todd.. my tree just keeps losing leaves and branches..  and i guess it is a fact of life that this wont stop until i die.  and even then, i'll just be another branch..  another leaf..  and maybe that thought will depress those under me someday..

enough of that. 

so much else on my mind..  don't even want to talk about it..  

Thank you Carol..  for all the kids you took in..  including me.. 
You were a great grandmother.  I love you.
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black cats and goblins [
Posted on October 31, 2006 @ 1:43 am
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let it flow [
Posted on May 11, 2006 @ 10:47 am
this morning, i'm just letting things flow out.
i'm not gonna stress about finals anymore. it does no good anyways!

i'm gonna go get ready for class, which i havn't prepared enough for.. and i'm just gonna figure things out as they come.

and then, i just want to share this peaceful feeling of love that surrounds me.. and pass the hours quickly with homework or chatting until i can speak with her again..

2 months. that's nothing at all!
Seems like hell if you are living through it..
but even after 5, i can feel the day getting closer and closer..

deep breathes and smiles are what this afternoon is all about. and they make me sleepy, but happy.

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Posted on September 08, 2005 @ 4:58 pm

Sorry everyone, friends only past this point.  If you have an LJ acount, leave a comment to be added.

Still doesn't mean i'll add you.

But i'll consider it.

May the force be with you, always.


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